Rich LaRocco

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Movie Review

by Rich LaRocco

Noah way should you waste your money on Noah

If I can save you $18.50, would you send me half of your savings so that I can afford to take my sweetheart to the Muppets movie?

"That was the worst movie I've ever seen," my wife said after ducking early out of Noah last night to catch parts of the Muppets movies at another screen in the multiplex where we had spent $18.50 that would have been better spent on hip hop dancing lessons. At least we would have got some exercise.

The movie must have been written by one of the Greenpeace activists who were jailed in Russia last year for trying to stop offshore oil drilling.

The movie taught me that the Creator (the word God was redacted from the script) would have drowned me in Noah's time for enjoying high technology, using central heat, wasting water to clean my face and eating meat. I also learned that I need to read the Bible more carefully because I had entirely forgotten how giant transformerlike rock monsters with glowing eyes had built the ark and protected it from the wicked populace that were desperate to survive rising flood waters.

I also had overlooked how Noah was told by the Creator to sacrifice his twin infant granddaughters to eliminate humans and save the animals and their Mother Earth.

Russell Crowe did a great job of portraying Noah as a violent dreamer who was far ahead of his time in wanting to rid the earth of humans to protect mother earth and her precious animals. As the screenwriters wanted, he had me convinced that Noah certainly would not have been a flat earther who would have denied Al Gore's doomsday global warming warnings.

Maybe I should use a spoiler alert here, but the only way I could spoil your enjoyment of this movie would be to allow you to think that you might enjoy it.

The Deseret News in Salt Lake City gave the

movie 2 1/2 stars, which I think was about two stars too many.

The animation was certainly better than Rocky the Squirrel and Bullwinkle the Moose, but I think I would have enjoyed watching those two critters much more than the computerized animals that boarded the ark on their own and immediately went into suspended animation, explaining once and for all how Noah was able to maintain all those beasts for weeks on end.

The best part of the movie was when the computer whizzes who did the graphics showed Mother Earth completely covered by giant hurricanes, certainly a portent of things to come if we don't all work together by trashing our charcoal barbecues, buying electric lawnmowers and buying homespun wool sweaters so that we can turn off our furnaces next winter and save the polar bears from drowning. Did you follow that? If not, watch Gore's mockumentary on global warming.

You can email me the money I saved you by PayPal.